Pyschotherapy By Proxy

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Yes, I Know!

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In Treatment

I love the show.  Being that I’m sort of in the profession, there’s a natural interest in the subject matter.  But really it’s the show’s dynamics that I love.  It’s a therapist and his patients generally in a one-on-one therapy session.  The show consists of no action and very little other than two people conversing.  As a voyeur, you get to witness a cerebral game of cat and mouse.  Paul, the therapist, probing and trying to pinpoint the issues that the patient is unable to bring to the forefront.  Each patient, avoiding the truth, and attempting to block revelation, each in their own way.  It’s brilliant!  So naturally I was ecstatic to see that the second season of In Treatment was about to air.

So this past Sunday evening I excitedly got into my pj’s, quickly washed a few grapes and made myself comfy on the couch, under my Winnie the Pooh blanket, just as episode one was about to start.  It was Mia.  She was a previous patient of Paul’s way back when.  She’s now a malpractice attorney, representing him in a lawsuit.  Intriguing!  It quickly becomes clear that Mia’s intentions may not be in the best interest of Paul as there’s a hostility there and it’s revealed at the end that she has some unresolved issues regarding how her therapy with Paul ended, some 15 years ago.  Twenty minutes into the new season and I’m hooked, anxiously awaiting episode two!

Luckily enough, it was coming on next.  I sat in my favourite comfy chair enthralled as April appeared on the screen.  I couldn’t wait to see what April would reveal about herself and how Paul would get her to that point.  I quickly empathized with this character because she’s nervous and not sure how to talk about herself in this environment.  She talks nervously about everything but her reason for being there.  She complains about her previous therapist, claiming she had oatmeal between her ears.  The girl is sarcastic, stubborn and fiercely independent.  I like her!  Through the conversation it is revealed that April has a brother with Autism.  Her previous therapist thought this a point of internal conflict and April forcibly denies any such thing.  I sit thinking, how funny, that could be me.  I recall moments of my experience with a psychologist.  It’s a long story, and one I won’t get into now, but I’ve sat across from a therapist, discussing my family situation.  She probing relentlessly, trying to find my breaking point.  I dodging her every jab.  Refusing to admit that I felt neglected as a child due to the needs of my sister.  Instead I was very defensive of my family and how they provided equal affection to both children.

So April was quickly becoming my favourite character on this show.  I could relate.  But she had yet to reveal her real reason for entering Paul’s office.  They get around to discussing just this issue.  April, however, can’t say the words.  She asks to write it down.  He agrees.  She passes him the note.  I’m glued to the TV, wanting to know what could possibly be so hard for a 23 year old student to reveal to this psychologist.  After reading the note, Paul’s response was, “How do you feel?”  She replies, “Tired.”  A moment passes and the question escapes Paul’s lips, “What type of cancer is it?”

I no longer have an appetite for the grapes I had been eating.  I’m thinking this is too interesting, and eerily familiar.  But surely it’s not the same.  I continue watching, waiting for some aspect of this girl’s personality, story, emotions to deviate from mine.  They do not.  She’s sitting in this shrinks office, telling him that he and a random stranger are the only ones she’s shared this secret with.  She has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and has known for 5 weeks.  Her doctor recommends she have immediate chemotherapy, but she doesn’t know if that’s something she wants to do.  She hasn’t really accepted the magnitude of what’s in front of her.  Paul attempts to make her see that time is of the essence, but she pushes back and ultimately leaves his office without the promise of returning or doing the things suggested by Paul.  Things like talking to her doctor, telling her parents, starting chemotherapy.

I sat stunned.  Tears running down my cheeks.  It’s only a TV show, but it was like witnessing myself 9 years ago.  At the time I thought I was doing the only I knew to do.  Hindsight, showing me what an idiot I was.  I wanted to yell at this character not to do it.  Grow up!  Look around you!  Because I would yell at myself should I be in that situation again.  It was a profound moment, because I always felt as though I was on the outside looking in.  Never really feeling a part of the norm, and people not understanding why I did the things I did.  But obviously my experience, emotions and subsequent reactions, while very stupid, weren’t unique.  I’ve always felt disappointed about how I handled the biggest test in my life, feeling as though I should have done better.   Others would have done better.  But what I did was obviously very human and very understandable.  I needed to be reminded of that.

Thank you April.

Do Not Disturb

There’s nothing more beautiful to me than a gleaming white sheet of ice waiting for me to bear my soul.  It’s like a mirror awaiting my inner reflection.  I stand at the gates and feel the fluttering of butterflies in my tummy as I contemplate what shall be revealed once I step onto my canvas; my skates the brush, my emotions the paint.  The world is left behind as the colours carve through the crisp ice.  As I move, my exposed flesh is caressed by a gentle breeze.  I smile.  It feels like comforting arms keeping me safe.  The smooth crackling sound of carving ice is music to my ears.  It sings a soothing tune.  I close my eyes and absorb it all in.  There is an oddly comforting, familiar subtle scent of ammonia.  I sigh happily and begin my story.  All those feelings which elude words are defined as I walk through my secret garden.  With the tilt of my head, a subtle move of the hips and graceful arms I feel a sense of peace like never before.  I couldn’t be more vulnerable if I were standing there naked for all to see.  The music plays a melodic rhythm to which I move, leaving intertwining scratches on the awaiting ice.  As the music fades I smile mischievously, knowing that the secret revealed is between me and this present moment.  Much was said, but no words were uttered.  Just the way I like it. 

Cherry Blossom

When I was a child, time spent alone with my mom was a rare thing.  Due to circumstances, the only time I had her attention all to myself was when I was sick and stayed home from school.  Unfortunately, due to chronic ear infections, this happened several times a year.  It would usually start with a late night trip to the hospital.  One quick look in my ear and the doctor would write an illegible prescription and send us home with enough meds to do the night.  The next morning as my father and sister left for the day, my mom would bundle me up and off to the pharmacy we went.  The pharmacist would usually know what we were there for and would have the Rx ready within in minutes.  Just enough time for my mom to pick up a few things, and two Cherry Blossoms!  She would sneak them in, without me seeing.

When we arrived home, my mom would make us hot chocolate and surprise me with a Cherry Blossom.  I would take my medicine and mom and I would sit on the couch and eat our chocolate candy while watching The Price is Right.  It’s one of my most precious memories from childhood and Cherry Blossoms have become a symbol of serenity for me.  When I have a bad day, I buy myself a Cherry Blossom.  When I feel uneasy, I buy a Cherry Blossom.  When I feel out of control and helpless, I buy a Cherry Blossom.

So today, as I pondered the changes taking place in my life and feeling immensely overwhelmed, I bought a Cherry Blossom.